Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. 80. Well, he really gets a kick out of it. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. The apprentice did just as he was told. 12 / 102. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. How old are you? Thirty-six.Submitted by Melissa Steginus, The other day I was thinking, I must be the most unobservant person in the world. Then I thought, Well, maybe other people are equally unobservant and I just havent noticed before.Submitted by D. Norris, I love that TV show with all the different video clips of things going disastrously wrong. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. ", "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote. Youre running around with another womanadmit it! she demanded. I told them: I understand. Eight dollars, I answered. The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. You'll walk away feeling victorious! ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. He immediately smells alcohol on the priests breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. Reddit.com. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. (Consider yourself warned! Menu. Im putting on my shoes!Anonymous. Peterson, she begins, would you say youre honest? Honest? replies the lawyer. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. How do you think I feel? asks his companion. And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his drivers license. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 64 of the funniest Seinfeld quotes to sum up everyday life Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: You will soon be reunited with a good friend. Stanley Heerboth, My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items. @cravin4. Lord, he prays. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Does that mean I get to keep the money?Submitted by Lawrence Adelson, Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his bar stool and lies motionless on the floor. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. What does the word contemplate mean? the college student asked his English professor. You wont believe these hilarious job ads actually ran! Who knows, we might be able to! Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Well, historically speaking, more powerful., 19. The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. These jokes are a fantastic selection of humorous jokes about football that are clean and entertaining. Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. Brand: Top Craft Case. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. Spell elephant,' the older one said. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. My life is a mess, he says. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. Im okay, he says, but I didnt like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery. What did he say? the nurse asks. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. It's sad how my friend got his medical license revoked for sleeping with a patient. Marie Faustin, comedian. But again the camera flashed. What are you complaining about? he fires back. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. 55 Funny Food Jokes And Puns That Kids Will Relish - Fatherly The light goes on. Local man killed by falling piano. Why are you doing that? asked the keeper. A labracadabrador. Whats a Queen without her King? Cant you just tell me?Submitted by Dana Thayer. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. Please, not while Im eating.Submitted by Shirleen Slabber, I got an A on my very first university English paper. During their visit, they noticed a flatbed of manure nearby. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line. A blind man visits Texas. Submitted by Reid Faylor. Im coming to live with you.Submitted by Joan Vercueil, A couple of cockroaches are munching on the contents of a garbage can in a deserted alley. Im a lawyers genie, so for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same thing, only double. After thinking a moment, the man says, For my first wish, I would like $10 million. Lawyers will get $20 million, the genie reminds him. ", "Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Now hes the village blacksmith. and Photobombed. Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep on the floor. Exit signs? Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A: When its pasture bedtime. Ive led a very full life, says the dog. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Theres no menu, you only get what you deserve. Dont miss our side-splitting roundup of hilarious Canadian jokes. The basic recipe for relational health is this: Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. ", "If I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. ._1aTW4bdYQHgSZJe7BF2-XV{display:-ms-grid;display:grid;-ms-grid-columns:auto auto 42px;grid-template-columns:auto auto 42px;column-gap:12px}._3b9utyKN3e_kzVZ5ngPqAu,._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._21RLQh5PvUhC6vOKoFeHUP:before{content:"";margin-right:4px;color:#46d160}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{display:inline-block;word-break:break-word}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-weight:500}._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK,._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}._244EzVTQLL3kMNnB03VmxK{font-weight:400;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-top:13px;margin-bottom:2px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO ._22W-auD0n8kTKDVe0vWuyK{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;margin-right:4px;margin-left:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y{border-radius:4px;box-sizing:border-box;height:21px;width:21px}._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(2),._2xkErp6B3LSS13jtzdNJzO .je4sRPuSI6UPjZt_xGz8y:nth-child(3){margin-left:-9px} I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. In the piano! If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response., That evening, the mans wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and hes in the living room. Im having a going-out-of-fitness sale. @johnlyontweets, I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Submitted by Terry Sangster. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". No joke. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and cola.". Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. 72. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. Youre not trying to get a laugh in most cases, youre trying to insult. I couldn't put it down. Why are you washing it? my brother asked, perplexed. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{margin-bottom:8px;position:relative}._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq._3-0c12FCnHoLz34dQVveax{max-height:63px;overflow:hidden}._1zPvgKHteTOub9dKkvrOl4{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word}._1dp4_svQVkkuV143AIEKsf{-ms-flex-align:baseline;align-items:baseline;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);bottom:-2px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap;padding-left:2px;position:absolute;right:-8px}._5VBcBVybCfosCzMJlXzC3{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText)}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI{position:relative;background-color:0;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);border:0;padding:0 8px}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:before{content:"";position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;border-radius:9999px;background:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);opacity:0}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:hover:before{opacity:.08}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus{outline:none}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:focus:before{opacity:.16}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI._2Z_0gYdq8Wr3FulRLZXC3e:before,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:active:before{opacity:.24}._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI:disabled,._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[data-disabled],._3YNtuKT-Is6XUBvdluRTyI[disabled]{cursor:not-allowed;filter:grayscale(1);background:none;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50);fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaTextAlpha50)}._2ZTVnRPqdyKo1dA7Q7i4EL{transition:all .1s linear 0s}.k51Bu_pyEfHQF6AAhaKfS{transition:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:block;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-field);border-radius:4px;padding:8px;margin-bottom:12px;margin-top:8px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-canvas);cursor:pointer}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:focus{outline:none}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._2qi_L6gKnhyJ0ZxPmwbDFK._3GG6tRGPPJiejLqt2AZfh4{transition:none;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO{cursor:pointer;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid transparent;border-radius:4px;transition:all .1s linear 0s}.IzSmZckfdQu5YP9qCsdWO:hover ._1EPynDYoibfs7nDggdH7Gq{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button);padding:4px}._1YvJWALkJ8iKZxUU53TeNO{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._3jyKpErOrdUDMh0RFq5V6f{-ms-flex:100%;flex:100%}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v,._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 .dqhlvajEe-qyxij0jNsi0{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._3adDzm8E3q64yWtEcs5XU7 ._12nHw-MGuz_r1dQx5YPM2v{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._3zTJ9t4vNwm1NrIaZ35NS6{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:21px;font-weight:400;word-wrap:break-word;width:100%;padding:0;border:none;background-color:transparent;resize:none;outline:none;cursor:pointer;color:var(--newRedditTheme-bodyText)}._2JIiUcAdp9rIhjEbIjcuQ-{resize:none;cursor:auto}._2I2LpaEhGCzQ9inJMwliNO,._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{display:inline-block;margin-left:4px;vertical-align:middle}._42Nh7O6pFcqnA6OZd3bOK{fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;margin-bottom:2px} Crime in multi-storey car parks. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Good Comebacks 1. Everyone can relate to these funny tweets about technology. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. Its not until an hour or two later that you come up with a one-liner to knock them off their feet. Then it dawned on me. A receding hare-line. They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. I cant, says the poodle. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, A man at a restaurant orders Swedish meatballs. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Need the laughs to come fast? George, everyone who sees it there will know what youre doing, she told him in front of their church group. No, it doesnt. Yes, it does. Check out our bestshort jokes! I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. I couldn't believe the . Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Light travels faster than sound. A car hit an elderly man. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!, Im always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. He fought with me again! Jenna and Bill are finishing up a dinner date. Snake 1: I just bit my lip. 101 Good, Clean Jokes That'll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. Submitted by Eric Lyden, I went to the butchers the other day and bet him $50 that he couldnt reach the meat on the top shelf. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. A book just fell on my head. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. She couldnt control her pupils. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. From the best clean jokes for adults to funny clean jokes of the day, this big SFW list has something hilarious for everyone: kids, teens, seniors and co-workers. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. 15. Check out more bad dad jokes from Twitter that will have you chuckling. You should be seeing a psychiatrist, The guys replies, I am seeing a psychiatrist., The dentist says, Well then what are you doing here?. Dont stick around for follow ups because youll lose the power. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. No! yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A nervous wreck. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. The cop replies: Then why do I smell wine?, The priest looks at the bottle and says: Good Lord! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. 87 FUNNY Soccer Jokes To Get You Laughing! 2023 - Jokes Quotes Factory Im going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world., 20. Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy? You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} A: A steeping bag. Youre being chased by a lion and theres a giraffe in the way in front of you. He never did any of that!, I tried having my mothers phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dads name, hed have to be the one to put in the request. A cornfield. For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Ill tell you whatnever again. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world! You wont believe these funny classified ads actually ran! Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize youre not in shape for it, its too far to walk back. A hobo knocks on the door of the St. George and the Dragon Inn. Could fuck up a two car funeral. The jury comes back with the verdict. She says, Im here to give you super sex., After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess Ill have the soup., I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. Steven Wright. The bartender shakes his head. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. He seems fine now, says the vet. "You can't make somebody love you. Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. Oh look, just put me down for five.Submitted by Kerrie Pont, The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness: What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen? He did what any honest man would do, said the witness. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? She glares at the other little boy and asks, What do you want for breakfast? A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. Why? Mr. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. Submitted by Greg Madden. 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